Push them to problem-solve challenges on their own

How can we help young adults who experience (sometimes debilitating) mental health challenges?

The presence of anxiety and depression among America’s youth is strong. I was blown away by a recent Slate article on this topic, written by Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of How to Raise and AdultIn her article, “Kids of Helicopter Parents are Sputtering Out,” Lythcott-Haims shared some troubling statistics describing the prevalence of the mental health crisis on college campuses. In her article, she cites evidence linking “intrusive parenting” with struggling students.

For example:

  • 2012 study of 438 college students reported in the Journal of Adolescence found “initial evidence for this form of intrusive parenting being linked to problematic development in emerging adulthood … by limiting opportunities for emerging adults to practice and develop important skills needed for becoming self-reliant adults.”
  • 2013 study of 297 college students reported in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that college students with helicopter parents reported significantly higher levels of depression and less satisfaction in life and attributed this diminishment in well-being to a violation of the students’ “basic psychological needs for autonomy and competence.”
  • And a 2014 study from researchers at the University of Colorado–Boulder is the first to correlate a highly structured childhood with less executive function capabilities. Executive function is our ability to determine which goal-directed actions to carry out and when and is a skill set lacking in many kids with attention deficit disorder or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

Many of my young adult and college student clients have struggled with, or are currently working through, the thwarting impact of mental illness in their lives. In a recent presentation I made for parents of incoming college students I invited them to consider how their relationship with their student is changing as the student prepares to start college.

My first bit of advice – “Push them to problem-solve challenges on their own.” 

I go on to invite them to watch out for Madeline Levine’s signs of overparenting, which Lythcott-Haims cites in her article when she writes:

“Madeline Levine, psychologist and author of The Price of Privilegesays that there are three ways we might be overparenting and unwittingly causing psychological harm:

  • When we do for our kids what they can alreadydo for themselves;
  • When we do for our kids what they can almostdo for themselves; and
  • When our parenting behavior is motivated by our own egos.”

(Takes deep breath).

Again, I calmly say… “Push them to problem-solve challenges on their own.” 

From my perspective as someone who works with job seekers daily, I can tell you that a client’s resilience and their capacity for independent problem-solving are probably the traits that I most hope to help them build through our coaching relationship.

Why? So many reasons!

Employers want to hire folks who are resilient in times of struggle, and who have the independent problem-solving skills to manage through obstacles in their workplace. These skills also serve our students well in their actual job searches (which can be up and down while waiting for the right opportunity to come to fruition).

Finally, I suspect problem-solving will be one of the skills that will best serve this generation going forward. I tell my clients that today they are actually preparing themselves for jobs that do not yet exist. With the speed with which change is occurring and the forces of technology and globalization, for example, the future for young adults is uncertain. However, the good news is that with problem-solving and career development skills on their side, they will be ready for these challenges and prepared to convert that unknown landscape into a very positive and hopeful future.

Reflection:

What are your best strategies or techniques for helping young adults and college students to begin cultivating their own independent problem-solving skills?

(One of favorites you can use when they come to you with an issue?  Begin by first asking, “Wow, that sounds tough. What are your ideas for how to get through this?” … and see what brilliant ideas they come up with first… ) 

5 tips for families heading off to college

5Tips_OffToCollege_CroppedfromHaikuDeckThe placement tests are done. There are no more schools to research. The financial aid system has been conquered – at least until next year. For families of new college students, what remains this time of  year are the goodbyes and the hopes that these new students will flourish once out of the nest.

Part of the promise that lives within us during those first days “off to college” is the hope that this college experience will be transformative and deeply engaging for this special student, and that it will all lead to a bright future in exactly four years… not five, or six, or more!

So what role can a parent, grandparent, or other loving supporter play in the life of the new college student? Now that the day-to-day parenting is shifting, how can you best support this young person as they stretch their wings and find their place in the world?

Here are five favorite tips I have collected from my decade or so experience working with college students:

  1. Push them to problem solve challenges on their own.

From laundry to roommate issues to more serious troubles, ask yourself if this is a moment to step back and invite your student to come up with some creative ways to tackle the task solo?

Why is this so important? The resilience that comes from problem-solving on their own can build confidence and make your student more career-ready.

According to the National Association of Colleges and Employers (NACE), the ability to make decisions and solve problems is the second most important skill or quality employers said they are seeking when surveyed for NACE in 2014. Other high-scoring skills are related: the ability to plan, organize, and prioritize work. The ability to verbally communicate with persons inside and outside the organization, and the ability to obtain and process information.

Turns out that conflict with a faculty member may be just the ticket when it comes to giving your student a chance to stretch their problem-solving muscles in a safe way.

  1. Help them thrive in the classroom.

Time and time again I hear from employers that good grades alone are not enough to make a student competitive for a job. Yet grades do matter – and more important – learning matters. Make sure you and your student are aware of all the student support services, tutoring, academic skills programs, and advising services available at your institution.

  1. Ask them big questions.

What will you major in? Have you decided what kind of job you want after graduation? These well-meaning questions invoke panic and anxiety in many students, and while they typically come from grown-ups who just want to express interest in the student, they can reinforce pressures students already feel to find “the one perfect major” or “the one perfect career” that will lead to happiness and acceptance.

My invitation to you is this: Ask bigger questions of your student. Ask them which activities have they been involved with where it seems time stands still? What kinds of problems occupy their imagination? What gifts or talents do they believe they can most contribute to the world? What classes, subjects, or concepts bring them the most joy?

Rather than limiting the conversation to majors and careers, these bigger questions help us uncover the threads woven through your student’s heart and mind, providing a jumping off point for helping both you and your student imagine greater possibilities for the future.

  1. Encourage them to build and layer experiences.

As I mentioned previously, grades are not enough. Experience matters. Encourage your student to get involved on campus, in student organizations or student government, in part-time jobs and internships, in undergraduate research experiences and service-learning, in travel and study abroad. The list goes on. As students build and layer these experiences they benefit in two ways: They walk away with greater clarity about who they are and what their career goals may be, and they build a compelling resume with ample experiences to highlight in interviews and more.

  1. Help them build financial literacy.

It may feel taboo to some of us, but many students are comfortable saying they want a good paying job after graduation. The trouble is, few of them know what that means.

Is $50,000 a good starting salary for them? It all depends on their financial literacy and ability to develop a budget for themselves. For some students, $50,000 could be a terrific salary. For others who will leave school with a mortgage-sized student loan balance, have others to support, or who aren’t savvy with money, that kind of salary may not translate to the same financial freedom.

In my experience, very few students say they have been properly taught about budgeting, personal finance, or other money matters before or during college. This is unfortunate, as financial literacy has such a powerful effect on a student’s livelihood and wellbeing after graduation.

 

As so many of us can attest, simply crossing the stage at commencement does not guarantee a great college experience – or that your student will flourish after graduation. The college years can be a difficult (and expensive!) time for students and families alike. Fortunately, parents and other supportive people can play a key role in helping students make the most of those college years so that they emerge prepared, resilient, and ready to find wellbeing in life and work when that day arrives.